Cure for Conflict
Introduction:
Conflict cannot be avoided on this globe. Every day we see another terrorist attack in the news. Everyday, somewhere in the world a war is being waged, murders are being planned, rapes and crime and child abuse. We live in a world where conflict is all around us. We cannot escape conflict.
Nations struggle to get along because people struggle. It starts with the heart, and moves outward. Fix the heart, and you fix the society.
How you deal with, or avoid conflict says more about you than you will ever know. If you are a person who has no conflict in life, I simply say, “be patient.” Conflict is part of the human condition. But what happens to you is not nearly as important as what happens “in” you when conflict is being addressed.
James addresses this issue of conflict in the world, but also from a personal perspective, and from the viewpoint of conflict happening even within the church.
The catholic church knows about the need for resolving conflict in a God honoring fashion. A huge price is being paid because the church tried to take the easy route in dealing with sin and conflict.
How do you overcome conflict in your life? Do you vent? Blow up? Cry? Silent treatment? Denial? Trivialize it?
Marriages are often battlegrounds today because people don’t fight fair. Healthy conflict resolution skills are essential to healthy marriages. “How to have a good fight” is a good topic for a marriage conference.
Jesus makes it clear
that we can have peace in this world in spite of the conflict all
around us. Jesus promised, “Peace I leave with you;
my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do
not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
NIV
Rodney King asked the key question, “can’t we just get along?”
Why can’t people learn to live together in harmony? What is the root problem? How can we end the wars between nations and the wars that are raging in the home?
Our world is out of order and messed up because we have messed up people! The solution is not politics. We can throw all the money available through social programs, and the problem is still sticking up its ugly head. A few years ago, Oprah Winfrey spent millions on an experiment to see if the root of people’s problems was really financial. If the environment was changed by giving people money, and allowing them to move into a better neighborhood, would this solve the crime/conflict problem in the inner city? The experiment was a total failure.
Groups like the “Conflict Research Consortium” have been formed to better understand why people cannot seem to reconcile over hot topics. Abortion, race, sexual orientation, endangered species, taxes, entitlements and environmental issues are create conflict in a socially, religiously, and politically diverse society such as ours. Conflict over such complex and deep-rooted issues is inevitable. Unfortunately, these conflicts are often extremely destructive. They breed distrust, hostility, and too often, violence.
On the personal level, couples love each other, but continue to argue and battle. “Why can’t we agree?” Why cannot we be more agreeable with one another?
Conflict is rooted in the very fiber of our humanity. From the cradle to the coffin, people are faced with conflict. Babies learn quickly how to get what they want in life.
This passage follows
the statement, James 3:18
“Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest
of righteousness.” NIV
In this study we will address
- The Cause of the Conflict (1-2)
- The Consequences of Conflict (3-4)
- The Cure for Conflict (5-12)
I.
The Cause of Conflict (James 4:1-2
)
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.
NIV
A. Basic Desires
“Your desires”
Conflict comes out of (ek) inner sensual lusts or pleasures (hēdonōn; cf. v. 3). Hedonism, the playboy philosophy that makes pleasure mankind’s chief end, still wages battles in people’s hearts. [1]
This
is summed up the attitude, “if it feels good, do it.” Pleasure is the highest good. It sums up the depth of secular counsel, “be
happy.” Do whatever
you need to do to be happy. Dump
your spouse, your kids, your responsibilities if they are not making
you happy. This is worship on the altar of pleasure.
If something isn’t pleasureful, throw it out.
This hedonism has swept our nation.
People are pursuing pleasure full tilt, full bore, and flat
out. We must be entertained, and coddled and pampered
because life is “all about me.”
People
have all kinds of conflict escape techniques.
They want a quick fix feel good hit.
The emotions are saying, “pay attention to me, make
me feel good, worship me.”
Cocaine, alcohol, pornography, and materialism are the drugs
of choice. Fame, fortune, power and pleasure all promise
to fulfill that God shaped void in people’s lives.
People
have pursued pleasure in such a sick fashion that “kiddie
porn” has become among the fastest growing addictions fueled
by the Internet. People become objects to be used and abused
for self centered pleasures.
Review: earthly wisdom focused on self is ultimately
demonic!
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
NIV
The reasons for the wars and battles on the outside are the battles going on inside the life.
Key issue: is your life aim to please God or to satisfy your own desires for the pleasures of this world?”
Who is it that causes you the greatest conflict? Why? (Keep this person in mind as we do this study….)
God desires that we learn how to resolve conflict, and practice
the ministry of reconciliation that He has given to His people (
God gives us desires that are good and healthy, but we are not to worship them.
1. Materialism
Worship of possessions. We are to use things and love people. When we get off track is when we begin to use people and love things. We begin to use and manipulate people to get what we desire. Judas was a classic illustration of one who followed Jesus for selfish reasons, thinking that he would reign with Jesus in power here on earth.
Materialism is a big source of conflict for marriages
today. The average couple
has $9,000 of credit card debt.
It is not by accident that
Americans often think the constitution says, "Life, liberty and the purchase of happiness."
2. Feel Good Hit
I want to get an emotional rush. I am living for the quick feel good hit on my emotional system. I want to have my senses satisfied.
It's not wrong to enjoy life.
You don’t have to become a German Baptist. Paul reminds us in 1 Timothy 6:17
that "God
made everything for our enjoyment."
God is more concerned about your character development than He is your creature comforts. The desire to “have” and the desire for “feel good hits” can become a recipe for conflict in marriage. Do you see why marriages struggle when two people come with an attitude that says, “I want what I want, and I deserve to have my desires fulfilled.” Do you see why people argue about sex in marriage?
3. Self Centered Motivation
WII-FM What’s In It For Me?
Authentic Christianity is not about “you.” New Christians often think that the world revolves around them, and they focus on all the good benefits of being a Christian, and how it has improved their lives and personalities. However, the focus is not to be on “them.” The focus is upon the Lord!
Pride, power, prominence, and popularity can lead to destruction. Little kids say, "Watch me, daddy", we say "Watch me, everybody" but we say it in subtle ways -- Watch me by the way I dress. Watch me by the kind of clothes I buy. Watch me by the kind of car I drive. Watch me by the kind of things I stock my house with.” It's a desire to impress. It's the desire to be full of pride, to be number one, to impress.
Pride only breeds quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take
advice. NIV
Philippians 4:19
"My
God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory
by Christ Jesus"
B. Battling Desires
These desires are literally battling against the believer. There is a war being waged! The passage is couched in “military” language. Literally, pleasure is making war in your bodies. These “desires” are “soldiering” themselves against the believer. This war is real, and there are casualties all around us. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is not a “war game.” Pleasures, left unchecked will march through the believer’s life and take territory. They become garrison troops holding the fort.
Desires are seeking to conquer the believer.
No wonder we are told to
Therefore, I urge
you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies
as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your
spiritual act of worship. NIV
Jesus calls the believer, “come and serve me.” This call may not be fun, or pleasureful, but you will serve me and accomplish great things.
There will be joy and rewards, but it will not be easy.
There is a work that needs to be done.
Expect opposition and conflict.
Paul reminds us in
The battle for lives is being waged every day. Believers have to count the cost of following Jesus. “But Jesus, your call will conflict with my pleasure. I cannot sacrifice, that will cramp my style.” Little by little Jesus is squeezed out of the life because there is no sense of enduring for what is right and good.
James is writing to Christians about this battle that starts with selfish desires. Long before psychologists gave their theories on resolving conflict, the Apostle Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit gave powerful insights into the core issues of conflict between people.
Self centeredness drives conflict. Marriage has built in conditions for fostering conflict. Think about your expectations when you got married. Some have described the marriage process as a man who is looking for and “ideal”, but what he gets is an “ordeal”, and now he wants a “new deal.”
Husbands:
I expect you to do the dishes, keep the house spotless, and take care of the kid’s homework. I expect peace and quiet at home, I’m tired from a long day at work.
Wives:
I expect you to know my needs. I shouldn’t have to tell you what is wrong.
I expect you to be home on time from work.
I expect you to discipline the children.
I expect you to take over the kids while I finish dinner. I deserve a break.
Kids:
I expect to watch my favorite TV program
I expect o talk on the phone as long as I want.
I expect to use the car when I want and go where I want at any time.
As longs as I focus on my problems and my needs and wants, I am in for trouble.
Peter got direct instruction from Jesus that there are more important things in life than the easy and safe route. Notice that Peter’s escape plan for Jesus of avoiding the cross was diabolical.
He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”
NIV
So James is telling us that conflict starts from within. This is important for us to realize when we
fantasize about how nice it would be to get away from it all. When we escape to
The last of the ten commandments is the forbidding of covetousness – desire. Covetous desires are the root of quarrels, fighting, war and murder. “You do not have”, so your self seeking desires are not happy, and they marshal themselves to order you to do something to get what you want.
C. Prayer-less Desires
Notice that prayer is absent here. Pride and prayer do not coincide. God honoring prayer takes humility. Prayer is God – centered action. If I am too busy self seeking, I will not have time for God seeking.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust
in him and he will do this: NIV
This is not a promotion for the prosperity gospel. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will place His desires in us.
People who worship pleasure, instead of turning to God in prayer, will attempt to satisfy their gnawing wants through their own efforts.
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. NIV
Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness is a classic illustration of how Satan wants to take normal desires, and motivate us to become self sufficient. Jesus was hungry. What would have been wrong for him to turn some stones into little loaves of bread? If Jesus had done that, he would have sinned. He would have become the source of his own sufficiency.
Gideon’s army whet from 10,000 to 300 for a reason. The reason was that
D. Murderous Desires
This is a result of not getting our desires fulfilled in a fleshly fashion. We desire something, and don’t get it, so we want to make sure that others don’t get it either.
When I was a Youth Pastor in
We may not literally kill someone, but we can kill in other ways. We commit character assassination by the way we use our tongues. We kill through lack of financial support. I want to spend my money on “me”, so I withhold it from the Lord’s church.
II. The Consequences of Conflict (3-4)
When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
You adulterous people,
don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward
God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy
of God. NIV
A. Adulterous People
James is talking to Christians here. These people are guilty of spiritual adultery, which means that a person is wed to Jesus, but living for pleasure.
Hosea is the classic Old Testament book on this subject of how God’s people operated as a prostitute by forsaking God.
Essentially, to live for pleasure and selfish desires is like breaking the marriage vow. It means that all sin is sin against love. Ultimately it means that when we sin we break God’s heart.
B. An Enemy of God
How does one become an enemy of God? Simply by becoming a friend of the world. This is the world system, and everything that sets itself up against God. It is hostile to God, and is ultimately man centered (humanistic). It is the ultimate contrast to the believer who is living a spiritual life to please God.
“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
NIV
for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has
gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone
to
Demas served with Paul, and yet somehow the lure of the world caught his eye and he became a deserter.
C. Opposed by God
First the Christian starts seeking selfish ambition and pleasure. This leads to opposing God. Finally this Christian finds God opposing him. God opposes the proud, and pride is the basis of the conflict.
The term used for God opposing the proud is a word that vividly pictures God placing himself in battle array against the individual.
It is a dreadful thing
to fall into the hands of the living God. NIV
This is why we so desperately need humility!!!
III.
The Cure for Conflict (James 4:5-12
)
Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.”
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
NIV
A. Extend Grace
What is grace? Grace is unmerited favor. It is giving someone what they don’t deserve. It is offering forgiveness, and a second chance. It is refusing to hold the past against someone.
Without grace, there will always be conflict in life.
We need grace based ministry. We need grace based marriages.
God gives grace to the humble. The prideful don’t receive grace because they think they can do it without God’s help.
B. Exude Humility
This speaks of surrender. God is jealous for our allegiance. God is unwilling to share man’s affection with the world.
When we are at peace with God we appreciate life to a greater degree. Rather than constantly pursuing selfish ambitions, we begin to notice in a better way the beauty of a sunset or a flower. Being at peace with God means that your life is balanced. It is not boring or a routine rut. Ultimately we say with Jesus, “not my will, but thy will be done.”
Song: Yes, Lord yes, to your will and to your way. Yes Lord yes, I will trust you and obey. When your spirit speaks to me, with my whole heart I’ll agree, and my answer will be “yes, Lord yes!”
C. Expel Satan
"resist" is a war term. It means to be prepared. To stand against.
Satan is the great accuser of the brethren. He loves to create conflict and blame someone for it. He loves to pit husbands and wives against one another.
in order that Satan
might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. NIV
Satan loves to use pride to create conflict and confusion. Learn to laugh at Satan’s attempts. He is so prideful himself, that he cannot stand being laughed at.
Am I being filled with pride, where I am allowing Satan to outwit me? Am I willing to humble myself and admit my faults?
Don’t lose to a loser!
Satan is a defeated foe.
He is defeated, but he is not a powerless foe.
D. Embrace God
The more we focus on God, the small our problems become. The more we focus on our problems, the small God seems. Draw near to God by reading the Bible, participating in worship, and fellowshipping with His people. The closer you are to God, the more you will learn to love and get along with His people.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you!
E. Expand Forgiveness
Be willing to say “I’m sorry.” Don’t cop out with “if I have offended you…” baloney. Simply say, “I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry, I was wrong. Please forgive men.”
This will take you leap years in terms of resolving conflict in your relationships.
In the first three verses of this chapter, four
times it says you're unsatisfied -- "you want but you don't
get", "you strive for but you can't have".
You're unsatisfied. Many
people in life are unsatisfied with the way they are living. The secret of satisfaction is in Jesus Christ.
Give yourself to Him and find your needs met in Him rather
than in other people. He will never let you down.
cf. confer, compare
[1]
Walvoord, J. F., Zuck, R. B., &
©The LIFEhouse Church, 4800 Sierra College Blvd, Rocklin, CA 95677, Phone 916.652.7216 Email